I never thought I'd see him again. Our last conversation had ended rather abruptly. He didn't even say goodbye. But there he was sitting on my couch... my mother’s couch. I was blindsided. He just looked at me with his mouth gaping, I ran. I ran back into my mom's bathroom hardly able to breath and wanting to cry. I wanted to cry for all the pain he caused me. For all the happiness he took away from me. After a quick text to my mom he was gone. Just like all my encounters with my father this one was brief, unexpected and painful. While I had been hiding in the bathroom, my mind went to another time when I was doing the same.
At the age of four, I had my first encounter with the police... at least the first I can remember. My father was drunk. My father was almost always in this state but this time was worse. I felt unsafe. My mom wouldn't be picking me up until the next day and I wanted out. I went into his bedroom to see a phonebook. I'd call someone, but whom? Right on the front it read: "IN CASE OF EMERGENCIES CALL 911." This felt like an emergency. So I called. As the phone rang my heart began to beat so loud my head ached. It rang only a few times before I heard "police department this is the operator what is your emergency?" and then I really panicked. Dad would kill me. I hung up. I was relieved that was over. Only, it wasn't.
I had forgotten about the incident all together when I heard the sirens and quickly recalled the whole thing. I slunk out of the living room where my dad was and made a break for my closet. I closed the door behind me and sat buried behind my hanging clothes. Again the heartbeat was racing and loud. I heard a knock at the bedroom door and a long pause filled only by the pounding heart. The door opened and I held my breath in hopes of remaining hidden. But cops are no dummies; they always check the closet. It's the right thing to do. And there I was. Tears began to run down my cheeks. I was shaking. He coaxed me out. -"Are you okay?"
My father came in from behind. "What the hell are you doing in there? Why are you shaking? Are those tears?
Jenny-did you call these guys?"
Finally he stopped talking and the policeman slowly brought me over to a chair and sat me down. -"Did you call us?"
I gave a long look to my dad before nodding "yes".
-"Why did you call?" again I looked at him. I was really scared. I couldn't let him think I'd meant to.
"The phone book said to call."
-"What?" I slowly got up and went to grab the book. I brought it back to him. "Look."
-"Do you know what ‘emergencies’ means?"
"Not really, but I know call and 911." I looked at him trying to speak with my eyes.
-"Are you sure that's the only reason you called?"
"Yes". He began to leave and I knew my eyes had failed me. And then he was gone. All hope lost.
It is amazing how quickly one can be transported back to childhood. I find relief only now because I know he is halfway across the country. You see, I decided to write this down so anyone who read it could see that a set of bad circumstances early on in life does not mean you are bound by them. People often say this, but I am living proof. This is my story. A story full of pain and joy, love and loss, and most of all redemption.
